Talking to Teens so They Will Listen

by : Laura LaMonica

As a mental health provider, I often hear parents voicing their concerns about difficulty talking with their teenagers. I hear similar complaints frequently such as their teen won’t open up, they’re always on their phone, or they spend all of their time in their bedroom. Justifiably, parents are concerned and pry more but sometimes it backfires and pushes the teen further away. 

Teenagers are notorious for being moody and private which makes it especially difficult to navigate interactions without poking the proverbial bear. Hang in there, parents! Since I work mostly with adolescents, I have the privilege of hearing the teens' side of things and I’m here with some insider knowledge that will help you make conversations more meaningful with your teen.

The first step is being sensitive to timing.Try to initiate an opening line at a time when they're not busy and the stress level is low. It’s going to be difficult to connect with your child if they’re in the middle of a project, hungry, just got home from school, or otherwise occupied.  It’s also a good idea to ask if they’re busy and have a minute to talk before commandeering their quiet time. 

Now that you have their attention, use a soft opening such as “I’d like us to talk more” or “I want us to spend more quality time together”. Have some ideas prepared if they’re agreeable on how this goal could be accomplished. 

Try to be patient. They aren’t going to immediately start making plans and confessing their deepest darkest fears to you. They’ll most likely tuck this information into the back of the brain next to ‘how to fold laundry’ or something else not useful yet but maybe someday. This is still progress because you’ve planted the seed.

Next, is the action step. Try sitting with them and doing something quiet together like a puzzle or a drawing. You would be surprised how much a teen will spill when they don’t have a phone in their hand and an adult isn’t interrogating them. Pro tip: If it's easier bathing a cat than getting the phone away from them, try going for a drive and “accidentally” forgetting to bring your car’s phone charger. 

Parents, the next step is the most crucial. This may come as a surprise but teenagers are incredibly sensitive to criticism. Shocking, right? No matter what your child tells you, take a breath and think before you respond. “You’ve been thinking about dyeing your hair orange? Cool, that’s interesting and will show school spirit if you’re applying to Virginia Tech or UVA”.

The bottom line is to think about how you would feel if you were them and remind yourself your response is a test if they will let you into their world.